Ok-The 4 people who read this blog have asked for part 4. Soooooo, here goes.
If you remember from a previous blog, I told you my brother Tony was busy marching down the hippy trail during this time. His girl friend Pam was marching right along with him, and about a month after Jimmy died, they had their first baby. At some point during their baby's first few months Pam went back to Illinois to visit her family. It was while she was there that she realized she was never going to find any hope in the drugs and religions she and Tony had been into. She'd grown up in a Christian home, but had chosen to reject it all and try an alternative lifestyle. She wanted their daughter to have a real, true life and knew the hippy stuff just wasn't it. To make a long story short, Pam asked Jesus into her heart and repented. She came back to Colorado and told Tony what had happened and told him 3 things. He had to become a Christian if he wanted to be with Pam. He also had to marry her if he wanted to be with her. #3. If he didn't do those things she was going back to her parents and their relationship would be over.
Pam then set her sights on me. She told me I needed to ask Jesus into my heart or I was going to hell. That added a 4th thing to the other 3 things I wanted. Who wants to go to hell? So, one Sunday morning I went to church with her and during the alter call I went forward to ask Jesus to live in my heart. I really had NO clue what I was doing. I had no clue who Jesus was. No clue what it meant to be a Christian. No clue that the reason I even had this choice was because of God's incredible love for me. I went forward for 4 reasons. One, it would mean I wasn't going to hell. Two, I thought if I gave my life to God, He'd bring my parents back together. Three, He'd give me some friends. Four, I'd get skinny.
Pam told me it was very important that I go to church and find some other people who were Christians and get together with them on occassion. The only problem was, I was only 13. No driver's license. The church where I'd gone forward was in Denver and we lived about an hour away up in the mountains. My mom did not want to go to church, nor did she want to drive to Denver every Sunday morning. I had a bible, but when I read it it didn't make much sense to me. It wasn't too long after this that Pam moved back in with her parents in Illinois and I was left in Colorado without anyone to help shore up my wobbly faith.
As a result, things quickly slid back into their old pattern. Actually, I think things got worse. I became angry with God. He wasn't living up to my expectations. One night in desperation I did a crazy thing. It was pretty late but I couldn't sleep. I'd been crying and feeling very hopeless. It didn't look like God was going to come through but I thought I had one other option. I layed down flat on my back in bed and gave my life to Satan. "Satan," I said, "God hasn't changed anything in my life and I know He won't now. I give you my life. It's yours. You can do whatever you want with it."