January 2, 2017

August 28, 2015
This might be long and rambly so feel free to skip it. I just need a safish place to brain dump.
Amelia has been waking up around 1 or 2 every morning needing to cuddle. It's starting to hit her hard. Me too.
I realized earlier that I missed out on her 1st four years and we've been adopting Emma for 1/2 the time she's been home. I'm so sad at all the time I've lost in her life. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because it doesn't seem loyal to Emma.
My heart and mind ...are looking ahead to our trip, and to the actual moment we meet Emma....I cannot imagine the stress a child goes through at that moment...and they have no choice, no say in what is happening in their life...I hope we are better than an institution but oh a part of me feels so guilty for rocking her world. Does that make sense?
I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of Emma. Scared, challenged, tired, excited, sad, thankful, and blessed. I'm afraid something political will happen and we will become full time residents of China.
I've heard of 2 children in life threatening accidents over the last 2 months while their families were in China getting new munchkins. That terrifies me for Amelia and all our kids here while we're gone.
God has been showing me that fear is not just a struggle or a temptation. Fear is sin. I'm ashamed to say I've never seen that before. Fear is also my idol. The other day I was walking and thinking about fear. It hit me that if I truly let go of fear I would have
"nothing" left. I am speechlessly thankful God is patient and merciful.
Ok. I've said enough. If you've read all this, please take it with a grain of salt. It's 3:24 AM and I'm a stressed, excited, sleep deprived momma-to-be.

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