January 2, 2017

September 2, 2015

August 30, 2015
Our church asked us to share a little about the adoption and our trip and then they prayed for us this morning and we packed this afternoon. Emma might really happen!! It's starting to feel very real now!
August 28, 2015
This might be long and rambly so feel free to skip it. I just need a safish place to brain dump.
Amelia has been waking up around 1 or 2 every morning needing to cuddle. It's starting to hit her hard. Me too.
I realized earlier that I missed out on her 1st four years and we've been adopting Emma for 1/2 the time she's been home. I'm so sad at all the time I've lost in her life. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because it doesn't seem loyal to Emma.
My heart and mind ...are looking ahead to our trip, and to the actual moment we meet Emma....I cannot imagine the stress a child goes through at that moment...and they have no choice, no say in what is happening in their life...I hope we are better than an institution but oh a part of me feels so guilty for rocking her world. Does that make sense?
I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of Emma. Scared, challenged, tired, excited, sad, thankful, and blessed. I'm afraid something political will happen and we will become full time residents of China.
I've heard of 2 children in life threatening accidents over the last 2 months while their families were in China getting new munchkins. That terrifies me for Amelia and all our kids here while we're gone.
God has been showing me that fear is not just a struggle or a temptation. Fear is sin. I'm ashamed to say I've never seen that before. Fear is also my idol. The other day I was walking and thinking about fear. It hit me that if I truly let go of fear I would have
"nothing" left. I am speechlessly thankful God is patient and merciful.
Ok. I've said enough. If you've read all this, please take it with a grain of salt. It's 3:24 AM and I'm a stressed, excited, sleep deprived momma-to-be.

July 16, 2012

i have a friend whose whole life has been changed by reading Ann Voskamp's book: 1000 Gifts. The other day I was visiting my friend and saw this note taped to the wall near her phone:
-NEVER allow yourself to complain about anything.
-NEVER picture yourself in any other circumstance or some other place.
-NEVER compare your lot in life with another person's.
-NEVER allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
-NEVER dwell on tomorrow. Remember that tomorrow is God's.

I'd like to add that some people who are very near and dear to my heart are going through an extremely painful situation-at this point only God knows the outcome. The ONLY way I've been able to handle the situation is to constantly remind myself that God is bigger than any circumstance. He can handle each one of them and it's up to me to trust Him. Or not...
When I first heard about this circumstance, I spent a lot of time weeping. A lot. Then I started thinking about God and my life and His track record of faithfulness. I could write a book about it. Looking back at His faithfulness and steadfastness in my life has reminded me of His love and given me joy and comfort even in a situation that at the moment makes no sense.
And if you think about the bible, it's chalk full of God reminding His people to look back at His track record. Look back at HIS faithfulness. Over and over He told the Israelites to remember all the things God had done for them and to teach their children the history of Israel so that they would remember and see it too. God's fingerprints are everywhere, all the time and we can see them if we look for them.
I've been doing 2 things to get through this time. 1. Clinging to Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

2. I've also been looking for God in the circumstance. Even in the pain...even in the confusion...even in the weariness I see and the weariness I feel myself...I AM finding tiny things to be thankful for. Tiny hugs from the Lord and tiny glimpses of His faithfulness to work even this situation for good. It's giving me joy and hope and peace even in the middle of something that is more than awful. God IS and He is bigger than anything we go through here. His hands are warm and tender and safe and quite capable.

This is just a passing through place. Eternity is coming. (I got that from John Eldridge, but boy howdy, do I cling to it! :-) )

For from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen!
Romans 11:36

June 1, 2012

a miscellaneous ramble (these are becoming more and more frequent, aren't they?)

I've been completely overwhelmed lately and it's nearly impossible to feel creative, clever or funny. My heart has left me and has taken up residence in an orphanage in China. This has left me with a weary brain and body and an almost empty blog. I miss writing. I miss that outlet and telling stories and sharing whatever is floating through my head with you. And, when we decided to adopt, I promised myself this would not become an adoption blog. I wanted to keep the two worlds separate, but I'm seeing now how foolish that idea was. Adopting a little girl from China has become my world, for the time being, and trying to keep that in it's own tiny little box is impossible. I have become an adopting parent, whether that munchkin is in my arms or not, and I can't hide or ignore it. This is my road, and my life right now, and this is who I am. So, please bare with me if that's where I often tend to land when I write...

Having said all that, I just wanted to share a few things I'm thankful for as I walk this road...

-friends. So many old and new friends have come along side me to encourage and love and support me. Even if deep down in their hearts they're thinking we're nuts and this is something they'd never do, people are right there, letting us know we are loved.

-our sons and daughters-in-law are amazing. They really are. They have been so willing to give up their time and energy to help us and encourage us-I have been blown away by this...

-an adoption agency, adoption coordinator and a social worker who really, truly, uly care. They have been real and helpful, professional and patient. If you ever decide to adopt, let me know. I'll give you their info! :-)

-my physical and blood work all came back as saying I'm as healthy as a horse. I may feel like one who's ready to be put out to pasture, but apparently I have a great many good years ahead of me.

-money. So far, the Lord has provided the money we need as we need it. I have freak out moments thinking about the future and how much we still have to come up with, but overall, there is deep peace. I believe this is something the Lord has told us to do, so this is something the Lord is going to have to see finished.

I think that's all I'll write for now...a few thanksgiving thoughts...

May 14, 2012

A Peak at The Flip Side

Last week my smallest son pulled out a scrapbook I'd made of my mother and her life. I know I've given her a bad reputation here...I think I'll be wading through the murky waters of my relationship with mom until the day I die...

The other day though, while I was busy doing whatever it was I was doing, my son started reading her scrapbook out loud to me-I'm very glad he did. It helped me remember the things I loved and appreciated about mom.

One Mother's Day, a very long time ago, I sat down and made a list of all the things I'd learned from her and liked about her. I cut them out, rolled each little piece of paper into a scroll, taped it shut, stuck them all in a mason jar, and gave them to her. I told my mom she could only read one a day for however long it took her to read all of them. I found the jar and those little bits of paper in her apartment after she'd died and glued them, randomly, into her scrapbook. Those are the things my son read to me and those are the things I want to show you today. I want to show you the good things, the flip side, of my mother-

-she had an adventurous spirit and was always willing to try something new

-she was a great cook and made the best spaghetti sauce, fresh bread, broccoli patties and Chinese Spice Cake ever

-she loved our country and all it stands for

-she encouraged me not to be afraid of anything. (she failed at this, but she tried.) Mom encouraged me to "go for it" and make life rich with new experiences and memories.

-she never encouraged a bitter attitude toward my dad after my parents' divorce

-she never let go of her dreams-she pursued them until she'd achieved them

-she taught me to slow down and pay attention to, and enjoy the beautiful things around me-to see the mountains, the pine trees, or a sunset reflected in a mountain lake with my heart and not just my eyes

-she was very sentimental and saved even the most insignificant little gifts her children had given her

-she had a green thumb and could grow the most beautiful houseplants...

-she was a character- you never knew what was going to come out of her mouth next

-mom was spontaneous. One minute we'd be sitting in the living room watching a movie and the next we'd be in the car, driving through the mountains, eating a hot-fudge sundae while looking for elk in a meadow

-she taught me how to drive then gave me her car-my perfect little red Datsun. *sigh... What is it about your first car??

-mom gave me a love and appreciation for music

-she instilled in me a love for reading and learning new things

-she was willing to accept people and be a friend to anyone who came along

she taught me crazy songs and tried to teach me how to harmonize. Come to think of it, that's one dream she never realized...

-she could make any place, even a not so wonderful place, cozy and homey

-she was creative and could make something from nothing; she taught me how to make-do instead of buying new

-she loved life and never let it beat her down

-she found humor in everything and was able to laugh even when she was in horrible pain and dying

-she taught me to take simple, small experiences and make wonderful memories from them

-mom took life one day at a time

-she wrote funny poems

-she taught me "people are more important than things, Jude..."

-mom taught me to look for the good in people instead of just taking them at face value

-my mom knew how to make a normal, boring day special

-she was very generous and would give to anyone that needed something whatever she had to give

There are more little bits of paper in the jar, and more in her scrapbook I didn't share here. I just wanted to give you a glimpse of her-a peak at a very interesting, complicated woman.

April 26, 2012

VERY miscellaneous thoughts of a brain literally on the edge

I hope this post isn't a waste of your time. I miss being here and just wanted to tell you where I've been. 

In the first place, I've been sick for almost 3 weeks; it's just a head cold-not a terrible illness, but the location? It settled up there between my ears and made thinking any thoughts at all a huge effort. And now that it's leaving? My head is making up for lost time and it ain't pretty.

Have you ever heard that a woman's thought life is like Windows 95 or Windows 98 or whatever? She has a screen and then she has a couple windows that are always up and running, one in front of another. Well, this virus I've had has caused a huge glitch in my window system and there are 90-eleven windows up and running 24-7. (that's a lot of numbers, isn't it? You know what I mean though, right?) I can't finish a thought or have a single conversation without interrupting myself half a dozen times. I. am. short. circuiting. 

I've also been confused about something extremely deep and personal and asking God a lot of questions about it. He has used it to show me how very, very unconditional His love for me is (among other things) but, the party ain't over and it's taking a lot out of me.

 I've been thinking about being real lately-wondering what that means and what it looks like and how to do it and why we won't allow each other to be it....I think I'll set that one aside for now but I will ask you:
Do you think it's hard to be real and yet live in truth? Do you feel like you can be real with people or are you afraid to be? Do you think being real and yet being a Light is like walking a tight rope? Why do we always, always, always have to have answers for people who are struggling or having a hard day and they just need to vent or emote or talk til they're blue in the face? Why can't we ever just shut-up and listen? Why do we feel like we have to open our mouths to help each other? Is it our pride? It's no wonder we're all a lonely lot....being real isn't safe.

Anyway. You may or may not know we're trying to adopt a little girl from China. That's taking a lot out of me and causing a multitude of windows to be up and running 24-7. I feel like I've been standing in front of a fire hydrant with my mouth wide open and I'm drowning. The Lord has been talking, showing, challenging, deepening, dissecting and teaching through it all and I can barely stand in front of the water pressure, let alone keep up with it all. A friend told me to journal everything as we go through this process but I'm finding that almost impossible. There has been too, too much going on in my heart to keep up with it all, let alone journal it.

And now a moment of real-ness. I've been worried about a couple of my kids-feeling pain for them and praying and wondering and wishing for them...

I've been writing elsewhere and thinking about fund raising and finishing the school year with my son and working on a few projects and preparing for a garage/bake sale. I've been feeling old and ugly and insecure and I've been wondering about next year-when to start school and what subjects to focus on?

I've been dreaming about a daughter and realizing I have no clue what to do with one. Can I momma a daughter? How different is that from momma-ing a son? I've been looking forward to finding out.

So, that's where I am and that's where I've been. How about you? Where are you and what are you thinking about? How many windows do you have up and running and are you enjoying what you see?