A Mother's Day Card....or not.

I've spent a lot of time over the past few days trying to make a Mother's Day card for my mother-in-law. I've "googled" and goggled until my brain cells were boggled.
I thought I'd finally found the perfect card for the woman who gave me her one and only son. It's beautiful. The card I was going to use as a template is actually a birthday card and it has the dictionary definition of "birthday" or some such across the front of it. No problem, thought I. I'll just change the word and put the definition of "mother" across the front instead. Well, when I picked up our Websters's 1828 dictionary and looked for "mother" this is what I found:

mother and mud
the womb
hysterics
stark naked
the thick slimy concretion in vinegar
a hysteric fit
a ewe or female sheep
a mole
the female of the horse kind
mud, mold
a mother, and matter, pus
matrix
matter, stuff, materials of which any thing is made
the bed of a river, a sink or sewer
the channel of a river

Further down the page there are several more definitions:
1. A female parent
2. That which has produced anything (Believe me, there are times when I've wondered what on earth I have produced)
3. That which has preceded in time; the oldest or chief of anything (Yes, I feel like this at times-the oldest of anything and everything...)
4. Hysterical passion
5. A familiar term of address of an old woman or matron
6. An appellation given to a woman who exercises care and tenderness towards another, or gives parental advice (nag, nag, nag...)
7. A thick slimy substance concreted in liquors, particularly in vinegar, very different from scum. (Oh! What a relief that is.)

Moving on from there I picked up Webster's Elementary Dictionary-A Dictionary for Boys and Girls:
mother-A slimy substance that forms on fermenting alchoholic liquors (Hmph.)

I then thought, just for the fun of it, I'd look and see what good old Noah had to say about Fathers. From the 1828 dictionary:
to beget, to feed
1. He who begets a child
2. The first ancestor
3. The appellation of an old man, and a term of respect
Elderly men are called fathers; men venerable for age, learning and piety are called fathers.
4. The grandfather
5. One who feeds and supports, or exercises paternal care over another. God is called the father of the fatherless.
6.He who creates, invents, makes or composes any thing; the author, a founder, director or instructor.

Maybe I'll send her a Father's Day card instead...