July 9, 2009

It Just Ain't Fair

If nail polish determined femininity, I'd be a man.

Last week I sat here and contemplated my toes.

I've often thought my toes were Fred Flinstone toes. Wide, fat, and ugly.

I sat here and looked at those Flinstone toes and thought, well, maybe a little nail polish will help them look more feminine. Maybe it would help me feel more feminine. So I went to the store and bought some pink nail polish.

I am not a pink person. I didn't realize it until after I'd polished my toes, but I know it now. I removed the pink nail polish and the next day back to the store I went. This time I thought I'd try a deep burgundy. Maybe that's my color.
Now, the label on the nail polish said "Chocolate Truffle", but it looked like deep burgundy, so I bought it. Guess who was right?
That stuff looked like dark Dove chocolate had melted onto my toe nails. I may love to eat dark Dove chocolate, but to wear it on my toes? I don't think so.

I quickly grabbed the nail polish remover and got rid of the "chocolate look". Then I sat here and contemplated my nail polish and my toes once more. How much more money do I want to waste on this project? I looked at the pink. Nope. The Chocolate Truffle. No way. But then I had a brain storm! Pink and dark chocolate together just may make a deep burgundy!

I got out a paper plate, some Q-tips and both bottles of nail polish. I poured out a little pink liquid onto the plate, then a little pile of chocolate and, like Van Gough, I carefully mixed them together. It worked! I had thee perfect color! So, I painstakingly began to polish my toes. This is when my real problems began.

I am 2 years away from being half a century old and I wear bi-focals. Well, even with my glasses on my toes were so far away I could hardly see where my toe nails ended and my toes began. I slopped that burgundy concoction all over my foot. And, by the time I had 3 toes done I'd run out of thee perfect color and had to mix some more.

So, I poured out a little of each color, blended them together and finished foot #1. Then I noticed two things. the first thing I saw was that 3 toes had one lovely shade of burgundy, the other 2 had a completely different shade. The other thing I noticed was that my toe nails had grown wider and longer. Oh wait. That's just polish. I grabbed the nail polish remover, (luckily I'd thought of buying some when I purchased the nail polish) and a Q-tip and tried to remove the nail polish from the last two toes and the skin around toes #1, 2, and 3.

I bet you can guess what happened and you're right. Even with my bi-focals on I couldn't see very well so I accidentally removed half the polish from toe #2. I now had 2 1/2 toes polished. Back to the drawing board.

I removed all the polish from each toe, and mixed another batch of polish together. This time I made sure to make enough for all ten toes. Then I began the process of trying to polish only the nails on each foot. However, it took so long, because I couldn't see the nails very well, that by the time I was done with 7 digits my little pile of paint had dried up.

So, then. Back to mixing. Then polishing. Then realizing the new color didn't match the other 7 toes. Then removing all of it. Then trying again. Then getting them all done only to remove half the polish off each toe as I tidied up the area around the polished nails. So I had to remove it all and start over again.

This whole adventure took about 90 minutes. When I looked at the clock and realized how much time I'd spent on Femininity I was shocked. I also realized that men have it easy. They have to work hard at not looking masculine.

I have waved the white flag on my battle with nail polish. It's over. I'm now wasting time Googling "Craft Projects Using Nail Polish."

It just ain't fair...


  1. Aww, you poor thing. 90 minutes of paint-politics.

    I hate nail polish. It stinks and it makes a mess. (ok, I make a mess with it.)
    It always looks so lovely and feminine...until it gets scratched off 3 minutes later.

    Kudos to you for trying!

    My nails haven't seen paint since I don't know when....I finally threw out all of my junior high nail polish last year.

    Now my nail care time is spent on removing ground beef from under my fingernails, and trimming my toenails occasionally.

    True, men have no pressure to paint nails. But hey! At least we women don't have to shave our faces. :)


  2. Thus the reason beauty products are a billion dollar industry. I am looking for the perfect face wash. Not brave enough to mix what I have. They all seem to dry out my face or over moisturize so it feels greasy.

    I feel your pain. When I do paint my fingernails it's a nice, plain beige as not to draw attention to myself. However!!! I'm a rebel when it comes to toes baby. Green polish all the way! And heaven knows I have fat piggies.

  3. Too funny! I never used polish till a few years ago and they looked like a 5-year-olds for a long time. My hand is steadier now but I don't often have time to take care of them as I'd like to. In fact, I spent most of this weekend with my nails half done because I got interrupted by a crying baby. LOL Finally finished the job today.

  4. I hate nail polish. ... Okay ... hate is a strong word. But I really don't like it. I'm definitely a man in this department! Loved this story! Rock on, Judy! :D


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