Adopting

If I had it my way our house would be huge and our family much, much bigger than it is. It seems like every time I turn around I find someone else I want to adopt.

For instance, there's a tiny, weathered grandma I see each week at church; all through the service she appears to be smacking her gums silently while she listens to the sermon. She has a feisty look in her eye that defies her aged body. She looks sweet and tough and ornery- like someone who would keep you in line but laughing while you stood there.

Then there's Bill. He's another old person I'd like to keep. My son and I see Bill almost every day when we walk. At first Bill would just nod, and smile as we passed each other on the road. Then one day he stopped us and asked our names. The next day he wanted to chat for a moment. Now he actually comes wobbling down his driveway to greet us if we don't see him on the road, in a hurry to say hello and visit. Bill's body is falling apart, and he's practically deaf, but his spirit is strong. He's cheerful and sweet and optimistic. He doesn't need adopting-his daughter lives just two doors down and watches out for him-I just appreciate his positive attitude and thankful heart.

Old people aren't the only people I want to bring home. Everywhere I go I see teenage boys that look like they desperately need a mom. I would love to bring them all home, bake cookies for them and tell them they are loved no matter what they may have heard to the contrary. Some people are afraid of teenage boys and avoid them at all costs. I used to feel that way, but having had 3 of them pass through our lives has changed my attitude. Teenage boys are so funny, interesting, creative, refreshing and unpredictable. They don't frighten me at all. And the lost, angry, sad looking boys? I want to clobber their parents. They were given the gift of caring for a sweet little life and they ignored the miracle.

On the other hand you have teenage girls. They intimidate me-I haven't seen too many adolescent girls I'd like to invite into our home. Why do some teenage boys look sad and lost while the girls look a lot like predators?

I must say however, that there are about 6 teenage girls I would actually steal and bring home if given the chance. I'd love to snatch the entire Chinese girls gymnastic team and hide them away somewhere. Talk about sad and lost looking. And after they taught me Chinese or I taught them English, I'd tell them about Jesus and that He loves them even if they never, ever, ever bring home a medal. I'd hug them and love them and just. let. them. be. Don't they look like that's what they need? To just be? Someone needs to tell them that it's possible to be loved even if you don't perform....

Finally, if I had it my way, there would be several bedroom suites way up at the top of the house for some of the single moms I see. I'd give each of them a light, airy room with a comfy rocking chair near a window and a soft, warm crib waiting in an adjoining bedroom. I'd let them rest their weary hearts and reassure them that life can be better; it's always changing and there's always hope. I'd give them nights of uninterrupted sleep by holding their babies, rocking and loving them so their mommas could rest.

Just imagine it....our home full to overflowing-noisy, and busy. Grandparents toddling around, teenage boys making them laugh so hard they'd need their walkers. Small, muscled girls joyfully tumbling and cartwheeling through the house with babies crawling under their flying feet. Weary young mothers sitting and pondering their next step but feeling safe and cared for while they think.

I wonder how much I'd need to build a house like that?

Sponges

It goes without saying that my parents were very instrumental in my life-they were my parents after all. They had an enormous impact on me simply because they existed. I learned so much just by listening to them and observing how they lived.

I've recently finished tweaking their scrapbooks-every picture I own of each of them is now carefully protected, organized, and sort-of labeled, never again to be jumbled up in ratty old shoe boxes.

I had a lump in my throat the whole time I was working on those scrapbooks-especially my dad's. There were times when I had to stop, cry, wait a few days, begin again. So many memories, and wishes for memories that will never be....

As I worked on their scrapbooks I naturally thought about their lives. They both lived into their 70's but I know so little about them. Just tiny snatches of their stories have been handed down. One thing I've never told you is that I have royal blood flowing through my veins. Yep, it's true. My grandmother was the illegitimate daughter of a German Baron. (Is that something to be proud of? I must admit I am.)

Anyway-there are a few other things I know about my parents. They were strong and determined people. (That couldn't be helped. Dad was 100% Italian, Mom 100% German.) They were generous and funny, creative and practical.

One time I called my dad, feeling "just slightly" out of sorts. "Dad, the place where I'm living has been labeled a cult! What should I do? Should I leave?!"

"Jude, are they hurting you?"

"No."

"Are they jeopardizing your faith?"

"No."

"How long before you're scheduled to leave?"

"Three months Dad!"

"Oh just stick it out. You could stand on your head and spit nickles for that long."

See what I mean? Practical.

When I think about mom and dad, I don't recall noticing any deliberate parenting. They just were and their kids could take it or leave it. As far as I could tell, they didn't have a parenting game plan. I never discovered a spread sheet with step by step goals for each kid carefully charted out.

On the other hand, Mike and I have worked very hard at being "deliberate" parents. Each year we sat down and wrote out the goals we had for each of the boys and then we'd discuss the steps necessary to accomplish those goals.

A few years ago, knowing our sons would soon be old enough to date and marry, I read a book on courtship. That book was impractical, and had some crazy ideas in it that no one I know would ever consider trying. Take this one example for example: When your son finds a girl he wishes to marry he needs to switch homes with her for one year. Meaning, your son moves in with his future in-laws for a year, and that girl moves in with you for the same length of time. They listed many reasons for this, one being to observe the new family.

My point in telling you that is this: can you imagine having a stranger move into your home for the sole purpose of observing you? Of watching how you live and what you do with your time and how you react to things? Being there through all the stresses of a year to see what you'll do with them? Would you change your behavior? Could you fake it for that long? Would you need to or want to?

That's sort of what parenting is like. God puts a tiny stranger in your home to raise, not just for a year, but for 18 years, or more. That baby lives with you, observing you, watching how you live and what you do with your time. Soaking up, like a sponge, who you are. That little person learns how to deal with life and stress and everything by your example. Having goals is a good thing, but not the only thing. It's a scary thought, isn't it?

"Spinning." My State of Being Speech (sort of like the state of the union speech the president gives every once in awhile)

I "fell asleep" about 15 months ago and have only just recently begun to wake up. For about 14 months I was so focused on pain and healing that there was no room left in my brain for other thoughts. But now? Watch out. I know I'm driving my family nuts; something tells me they would almost prefer my semi-comatose state to the one I'm in now.

I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. (don't ask me what that means technically. I've heard that phrase often enough that I think it means working really hard.) Whatever- when my brain is busy, so is my tongue. Hence, my nutty family.

Anyway, no matter what you call it, I can't get my thoughts to settle, to relax, to focus. It feels so good to think again that my brain is bouncing around like a lamb in a spring field. "I'm free! What shall I do today?? Oh look over there! No, wait! Look at that! I wonder if I can jump over that bale of hay?! Maybe I can butt heads with Fred!....."

Memories, desires, goals and my lack of goals, the character of God, predestination, regrets, mothering and spousing, theology, my purpose now that mothering and teaching are coming to an end, who am I, now that what I thought my purpose was, is coming to an end? Trying to figure people out, books I want to read, projects I want to tackle, on and on and on......

As if that weren't enough my body is screaming at me too. "I feel better! Do something! Climb somewhere. Go hiking! Spring clean, travel the world, go bungee jumping, sky diving, have fun!" I have to keep reminding my body that we're not there yet. Close. So close to being normal...free....I can taste it and it's driving me crazy! Stopping is not something I do easily and this forced halt has been so not fun. I feel like an arrow neatly tucked into the bow string, quivering, impatiently waiting....(haven't I said that before? If so, that proves my next point)

Then we have the other side of my body. The side that is saying, I'm old. Time to shut down. Nah. Not Yet. Yes. No. Yes. No.....Emotions zingy, thoughts going haywire, body doing strange, annoying things. I'm so thankful for "my" homeopathy guy. He and his concoctions are making this time much easier to bear. I can function like a fairly normal person saving those crazy moments for my oh-so-patient husband.

All in all, I feel like those plates those guys in the circus twirl on sticks. Each part of me spinning in a different direction and barely balanced. Please don't take that wrong. Just because I feel a tish dizzy doesn't mean I'm not happy. I love being alive again and feeling like a person! I'm not just a blob on my bed anymore, waiting. I'm back in the saddle and it feels good.

our beautiful God

I'm reading bits and pieces of a book called The Gospel According to Job by Mike Mason. Have you read it?
I just read one paragraph recently that really jumped out at me. It is so simple that it never occurred to me to think it. (I'll explain that after I show you the paragraph)

When the Devil is exposed he is shown up to be a cosmic bore, whereas when the Lord shows Himself He
becomes more mysterious than ever. Those who do not really know the Lord take exception to His riddles
and paradoxes. But to know Him is to know continual, exponential growth in one's capacity to live with
contradiction. Divine contradiction is like an exotic food or music:one must acquire a taste for it. Many people, even
the very religious, have no real stomach for mysterium tremendum. They are fine when gazing up into a starry sky,
but when they encounter the infinite abyss of Christ on the human level, it turns their stomachs. This was apparently
the case with one of the great writers of the twentieth century, Franz Kafka, who when asked his opinion of Christ
answered, "He is an abyss filled with light; one must close one's eyes if one is not to fall in." Often people perform the
most astounding mental gymnastics in order to keep from falling into the mysteries of God. Such paradoxes as
predestination and free will are endlessly debated, when if only we would submit our minds to the bright
unyielding enigmas of Scripture, we would see that the New Testament plainly teaches both. Often even mature
Christians have, in some areas a monaural theology; the richness of stereo sounds like noise to their ears.

There is so much there to think about...but let's just take one piece of that paragraph, that one tiny aspect of God, predestination vs. free will. It has been debated in our house over and over and over again. We've dug out different versions of the bible and our concordances and thrown verses at each other like we were ping pong players. All six of us have discussed it until we were blue in the face. Not once, ever, never, did it occur to me that both could be true and possible. What do you think? Could both be true? Or is that a dumb question? Something even a child knows?

I want God to fit into a mold-either He is sovereign over everything and "all things were predestined" or "everything we do and experience is a result of our free will". I would hate to have a God I understood, but I've never really thought about giving Him the freedom to be that not-understandable. Why do we shake our heads and sigh, disappointed in the mystery of His Godness when in reality that's what makes Him God?

In all honesty, I'm not sure I like looking at the possibility of both predestination and free will being true, but I do love the idea. It makes Him huge....

All my life, in order to either bend my head around this idea, (which I couldn't do) or totally ignore it, I have simply clung to Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

I know that's true and when I go through hard things, I remind God that that verse is in the bible. "You promised, God..."

So, what do you think? Or was that book written for 7 year olds and I'm right there with them?

Waiting

As I was growing up there were many things I wanted to be when I reached adulthood. I wanted to be a photographer for National Geographic Magazine. That way I could travel the world, see fascinating things, meet interesting people and then share those things and those people with others who were not with me "in the jungles". I also thought it would be fun to own a florist shop so I could play in the dirt all day and create lovely floral arrangements that would bring joy to people's hearts. Teaching, counseling, and writing were there on my list of possibilities too.

However, the thing I wanted to do more than anything else in the world was to be a homemaker-a wife and mom.

When I started writing today I was headed in a completely different direction than where this post is taking me. I was going to write about the simple life of being a wife and mother. About guilt, wondering if I've done enough for the world, and about dreams left behind because life isn't long enough to follow all of them.

But now, when I look back at my life and those left behind dreams, I see that God has actually allowed me to be all those things. I have had the blessing and privilege of living with a cave man and his four wild little natives. I've photographed and recorded their lives for years and shared those photos with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins who couldn't be with me "in this jungle".

My kitchen has been a florist shop for 22 years now. Tiny grubby fingers have brought countless flowers and weeds to the sink, and sweet little boy voices have asked me to arrange them in lovely ways. Those bouquets have brought deep joy to my heart.

I was never a teacher in a classroom, but I have been teaching for 25 years now. Hiking trails, the kitchen table, the couch, the woods and the lvingroom floor have been our classroom. Growing up and living and learning with those four little natives has been more fulfilling than teaching a room full of strangers could ever have been.

And we can't forget counseling. I've spent hours and hours with those wild little natives, calming their fears, comforting them, trying to give them direction. Trying to point them in the right direction; attempting to teach them how to forgive, turn the other cheek, love each other unconditionally...

And now I write. I have time to reflect on my life, my dreams and the struggles and joys of being a wife and a mom, pouring myself out on cyber-paper so others can know they're not alone.

I do still wonder about the time I've been given and what I've done with it. Have I done enough? Given enough? Shared enough? Been enough? Like my friend Rachel at http://mightyviolet.com/ I wonder if what I do, what I've done, is enough? Is a small, simple life ok? And I wonder what to do with the time I have left as well. What's next? I have no more dreams, no more goals. There's nothing out there beyond living and loving my last little native and then waiting for my cave man to come home from work each day.

It's a scary feeling but I do not believe God will leave me here, in free fall. So, now I wait....anxious to see what's next.

Mom

Every one in awhile I think, well, my whole life is here, laid out in this blog for everyone to see. I've shared it all and there's nothing left. What now? Shut it down?
I was thinking that during the middle of the night when suddenly, at 2:44 a.m. it hit me. Mom. I've never really wallowed through my relationship with her. Maybe it's time?

My mother was an interesting person, and that's putting it mildly. Complex, funny, simple, wise, foolish, intense, giving, needy, controlling, and whatever the opposite of "controlling" would be....those are all words that come to mind when I think about her. Having a child-mother raise me has complicated my own mothering; everything I say and do and think as a mother has to be sifted and sorted to weed out anything unhealthy that might stem from hurts or bad examples or whatever.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of her is that I don't miss her. I miss the idea of a mom, but not her. I was heartbroken when she died, but after a week or so I actually felt relieved that that relationship was over. Finished. It was such a confusing relationship-it felt good knowing that that chapter of my life was closed and there wouldn't be any more pages written. I closed the book and haven't looked at it since.

At first mom was a very normal mom. She cooked amazing meals and baked our bread, pies and cookies from scratch. She cleaned like the pope was coming over every day and when I was sick she would gently hold my head over the toilet as I threw up and read mountains of books to me as we cuddled on the couch.

Mom had some wonderful qualities and good advice:

-She always told me, "Say yes to your kids whenever you can. Life is long and hard and will be full of "no's". Give them yeses every chance you get."
-She was adventurous. Always willing to try something new, or go somewhere new or even discuss something she knew nothing about just so she could learn something new.
-She set me free to try my wings. She encouraged me to "go for it" and not be afraid of trying new things. She encouraged me to make life rich with experiences and memories.
-She didn't try to pit me against my dad or be bitter toward him after my parents' divorced.
-She never let go of her dreams. I think it took her 3 tries before she was able to pass the test that would give her a Real Estate License. She just kept plugging away at it until she did it.
-She taught me to slow down and appreciate the beauty of the mountains, a sunset, a bug on a leaf, or the way trees grew twisted and curled by the constant mountain winds.
-She was spontaneous and always up for a walk, a ride, or a Hot-Fudge Sundae at McDonald's.
-She was willing to love and accept everyone she met, no matter what they believed or what their lifestyle was.
-She taught me to appreciate and love music.
-She could make anyplace feel like home.
-She was an optimist.
-She was willing to laugh at herself and not take life so seriously.
-She had a never ending sense of humor and laughed often.
-On my 16th birthday she took me to get my driver's license, then handed me her check book and a credit card. She showed me what they were for and how to use them and never looked back. She treated me like a responsible young adult and expected me to live up those expectations.

However, after my parents' divorce she only partially seemed like a mom to me. She gave me no boundaries growing up. No bedtime. No rules about what I did with my time, watched on TV, or what I ate. She never asked me if I'd done my homework or checked my grades. Even when I was 9 or 10 I can remember feeling like I was my own parent. Then, to add to that pressure, my mom turned to me for comfort. It got so weird that she would send me Mother's Day cards thanking me for taking such good care of her. I was "asked" to be a mom to my mom just when I needed a mom the most. I know she didn't mean to put that kind of pressure on me, but the pressure was there, under the surface, giving me the feeling that I truly had no one to turn to.

I think my brother Jimmy's death was the straw that broke the camel's back for mom. For a long time she just checked out. I'd get home from school and start dinner or work on homework, expecting her to walk in the door around 6pm. More often than I care to remember the phone would ring around dinner time and mom would say she was going out to dinner with friends and to expect her when I see her. There were many nights when she wouldn't come home until 2 or 3 in the morning and she wouldn't be sober when she got there. I was only 11 or 12 and had a vivid imagination. Every strange noise I heard was a bad guy stalking around outside. I was very lonely, terrified, and the pain of losing first my dad, then Jimmy, then seemingly my mom was more than I could stand. I'd frequently wander around the apartment, pacing, and crying until mom got home. I'd help her get undressed and into bed then I'd finally get to go to bed myself.

In high school she compared me to other girls such as the cheerleaders bouncing around the football field and say things like, "Look. Look at those girls! Why can't you be like them? They're so full of life, so pretty. They know how to have fun!"
One time she looked at me and said, "Well. you're cute. You'll never be pretty, but you are cute." Um, thanks mom?

As a teen I managed to date a few old fashioned boys who would actually ask her what time she wanted me home. "Whenever you bring her home is fine with me. Just have a good time!" It was very scary to be that "on my own". When I was 16 she said, "Judy, you're going to be dating now and spending time with boys. Let's go to the doctor and get some birth control. It's OK to have fun, but you don't want to get pregnant yet."
I think that was the moment I lost respect for her.

She raised me with weird advice and what she proudly called Reverse Psychology.

Some of the advice she gave me:
-be careful how you pray, you might get what you ask for.
-don't trust men, Jude. They cannot be trusted.
-if your husband buys new underwear it means he's having an affair.

As for the reverse psychology? I'm not sure if I got that treatment because I'm such a headstrong person, or if she thought that was just the way you raise kids....you tell them to do the opposite thing you want them to do so they'll actually do what you want them to do in the first place. All that did was make me angry, hurt and confused...

So, there you have it. Or I should say, there I have it. Mom in living color and black and white. If you think about yesterday's post, this would most certainly fall under the line: past. The painful part. The part I still don't like to look at and wish I could change....

Your Lines

Tuesday night bible study was amazing this week. At first glance it appears to be basic stuff, but the more I think about it, the more hugged and convicted I feel. I really want to share it with you because I think we all need a hug and some conviction now and then, right? :-) I'm not even going to begin to try and put it like the teacher did. If I attempted that this post would be called: Bludgeoned Plagiarism. I think I'll just tell you what I heard. ( that's better than plagiarism, right?) This could be over-long, but please, please take some time and read it. Not because of what the Lord showed me, but because He might want to say something to you. (please remember, I didn't come up with any of this! It's what I heard. I'm not a teacher-I'm just sharing what was said.)

The lesson started out with the parable of the talents. In case you're not familiar with the story I'll share it with you:

"For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, 'Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.' And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, 'Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.' He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, 'Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.' But his master answered him, 'You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' Matt. 25:14-29


The teacher of this study comes at life with the belief that God is sovereign over every tiny detail of our lives. That everything we experience comes from Him and makes us who we are. Whether you believe that or not, could you just pretend, for the few minutes you're here, that that's what you believe also? Thanks. :-)

OK-moving right along. After reading those verses you might be thinking, "Hm. A talent in bible terms was about 1000.00$. No one has ever handed me 5000.00$, or 2000.00$ or even 1000.00 bucks to see what I would do with it...." But you'd be wrong. According to the lesson, we've all been given talents. Every person on the planet. Our talents are our lives. Our experiences, our backgrounds, our gifts, etc. All the things that have flowed in, around and over you and make you who you are are your talents.

Can you go get a piece of scrap paper and draw a large rectangle on it? Then, write these on each of the 4 sides:
on the top side write:
Intimacy with God (really focus on the word "iintimacy" here. You know what that means.

On the left side:
Our Past
("past" in this instance means the painful things that have happened to you. Hurts, rejection, sexual abuse, emotional or physical abuse...things that make you cringe and that you wish weren't there. The things you want to forget and often ignore.)
God has allowed those things to happen to you for a reason. Each thing has been filtered through His fingers. Think about Job. Satan couldn't do a bloody thing to him without God's permission. God wanted those things to happen to Job for a reason and the things that have happened to us are for a purpose as well. God promises in Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purposee.

On the bottom side:
Life Experiences
(this is stuff like where you were born, your ethnic background, your education, your work experience, the hard things you've gone through like infertility, singleness, being poor etc.)

On the right side:
Our spiritual gifts
(personally, I'm still trying to figure out what mine is/are)

These things are your boundary lines. They make up who you are. Look at your rectangle again. Do you pay attention to each side? Are you living in intimacy with God? Are you using the gifts He's given you? Do you ask Him to use your painful past and your life experiences to benefit others? Or are you ignoring any or all of those? If you are ignoring any one of them there's someone else around who isn't. Satan. The devil. Wormwood. He is just longing for you to ignore those boundary lines so he can stand there. If you're not living in intimacy with God you'll be like a kite without a tail, floating pell mell all over the place in confusion. He wants to take your past and your life experiences and tell you those things were not a part of God's plan. That God wasn't there, doesn't love you and He's clueless....

But, God gave you your past and your gifts and your life experiences. He wants to use those things in your life to benefit others, bring glory to Himself and good to you. One of the best things I ever did was write out the story of my early childhood to the place where I met Jesus. My past is not nearly as horrible as what other people have experienced, but it was painful. But, by writing it down I was able to see God's fingerprints all over it. I could see Him carrying me and loving me when I thought I was alone. And it's given me compassion for others, humility, and an understanding of how people feel who have been rejected and ignored.

When you claim your past and your life experiences and ask God to use them, Satan is defeated. He can no longer lie to you about God's love and His character. When you give to others out of your pain it gives glory to God. And in the end, if we love Him that's what we want, isn't it? His glory? We need to live like not one single thing we've gone through is in vain. Examine your life and look for Him. You'll see Him there if you look for Him. And then think about this. Think about your boundary lines and how God is using them in your life to bring Glory to Himself, to give to those around you, and to bring good to you.

Then think about Romans 8:28 again.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purposee.

Then you'll be able to say with David in Psalm 16:6

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.