September 6, 2011

"Spinning." My State of Being Speech (sort of like the state of the union speech the president gives every once in awhile)

I "fell asleep" about 15 months ago and have only just recently begun to wake up. For about 14 months I was so focused on pain and healing that there was no room left in my brain for other thoughts. But now? Watch out. I know I'm driving my family nuts; something tells me they would almost prefer my semi-comatose state to the one I'm in now.

I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. (don't ask me what that means technically. I've heard that phrase often enough that I think it means working really hard.) Whatever- when my brain is busy, so is my tongue. Hence, my nutty family.

Anyway, no matter what you call it, I can't get my thoughts to settle, to relax, to focus. It feels so good to think again that my brain is bouncing around like a lamb in a spring field. "I'm free! What shall I do today?? Oh look over there! No, wait! Look at that! I wonder if I can jump over that bale of hay?! Maybe I can butt heads with Fred!....."

Memories, desires, goals and my lack of goals, the character of God, predestination, regrets, mothering and spousing, theology, my purpose now that mothering and teaching are coming to an end, who am I, now that what I thought my purpose was, is coming to an end? Trying to figure people out, books I want to read, projects I want to tackle, on and on and on......

As if that weren't enough my body is screaming at me too. "I feel better! Do something! Climb somewhere. Go hiking! Spring clean, travel the world, go bungee jumping, sky diving, have fun!" I have to keep reminding my body that we're not there yet. Close. So close to being normal...free....I can taste it and it's driving me crazy! Stopping is not something I do easily and this forced halt has been so not fun. I feel like an arrow neatly tucked into the bow string, quivering, impatiently waiting....(haven't I said that before? If so, that proves my next point)

Then we have the other side of my body. The side that is saying, I'm old. Time to shut down. Nah. Not Yet. Yes. No. Yes. No.....Emotions zingy, thoughts going haywire, body doing strange, annoying things. I'm so thankful for "my" homeopathy guy. He and his concoctions are making this time much easier to bear. I can function like a fairly normal person saving those crazy moments for my oh-so-patient husband.

All in all, I feel like those plates those guys in the circus twirl on sticks. Each part of me spinning in a different direction and barely balanced. Please don't take that wrong. Just because I feel a tish dizzy doesn't mean I'm not happy. I love being alive again and feeling like a person! I'm not just a blob on my bed anymore, waiting. I'm back in the saddle and it feels good.

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