September 4, 2011

Waiting

As I was growing up there were many things I wanted to be when I reached adulthood. I wanted to be a photographer for National Geographic Magazine. That way I could travel the world, see fascinating things, meet interesting people and then share those things and those people with others who were not with me "in the jungles". I also thought it would be fun to own a florist shop so I could play in the dirt all day and create lovely floral arrangements that would bring joy to people's hearts. Teaching, counseling, and writing were there on my list of possibilities too.

However, the thing I wanted to do more than anything else in the world was to be a homemaker-a wife and mom.

When I started writing today I was headed in a completely different direction than where this post is taking me. I was going to write about the simple life of being a wife and mother. About guilt, wondering if I've done enough for the world, and about dreams left behind because life isn't long enough to follow all of them.

But now, when I look back at my life and those left behind dreams, I see that God has actually allowed me to be all those things. I have had the blessing and privilege of living with a cave man and his four wild little natives. I've photographed and recorded their lives for years and shared those photos with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins who couldn't be with me "in this jungle".

My kitchen has been a florist shop for 22 years now. Tiny grubby fingers have brought countless flowers and weeds to the sink, and sweet little boy voices have asked me to arrange them in lovely ways. Those bouquets have brought deep joy to my heart.

I was never a teacher in a classroom, but I have been teaching for 25 years now. Hiking trails, the kitchen table, the couch, the woods and the lvingroom floor have been our classroom. Growing up and living and learning with those four little natives has been more fulfilling than teaching a room full of strangers could ever have been.

And we can't forget counseling. I've spent hours and hours with those wild little natives, calming their fears, comforting them, trying to give them direction. Trying to point them in the right direction; attempting to teach them how to forgive, turn the other cheek, love each other unconditionally...

And now I write. I have time to reflect on my life, my dreams and the struggles and joys of being a wife and a mom, pouring myself out on cyber-paper so others can know they're not alone.

I do still wonder about the time I've been given and what I've done with it. Have I done enough? Given enough? Shared enough? Been enough? Like my friend Rachel at http://mightyviolet.com/ I wonder if what I do, what I've done, is enough? Is a small, simple life ok? And I wonder what to do with the time I have left as well. What's next? I have no more dreams, no more goals. There's nothing out there beyond living and loving my last little native and then waiting for my cave man to come home from work each day.

It's a scary feeling but I do not believe God will leave me here, in free fall. So, now I wait....anxious to see what's next.

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