please bear with me

Have I ever told you I've had a long, practically bloody battle with insomnia over the last 20 years?

If there was only one thing keeping me awake I would've addressed the problem and sleep wouldn't be something I just dream about. However, it's something different nearly every single night.

Sometimes it's something as crazy as a hot foot. Yes, I said that. Sometimes my left foot gets so hot I can't sleep. Shoving it out from under the covers doesn't help. Sticking my foot in front of a blowing fan doesn't help. I've finally resorted to sleeping with an ice pack at the end of the bed on the nights that foot won't cooperate.

Sometimes it's my brain thinking, 'Well, you've had 4 hours of sleep. Let's get up! I'm raring to go!'

Occasionally it's depression, worry, or stress that keeps me awake or even a certain someone I know who can't stop coughing. (he's finally going to see a dr. today, btw.)

For many years I trotted along, somehow teaching and mommying on 2-4 hours of sleep a night. Looking back, I have no idea how we made it through that. It's not as bad as it used to be, but even now, after I've had a particularly bad night and we need to go somewhere, I'll pull the van out of the driveway and sit there, unmoving, until finally I ask my 10 yr. old, "Sweetie, which side of the road do I drive on? I can't remember." (It's a good thing we live out in the boonies, eh?)

I was planning on challenging myself to write here every single day for the month of January, but as you can see, I'm failing miserably. And the reason? You guessed it. It's been a really rough month sleep-wise.

The other day I found an old book I bought a few years ago called The Shape of a Year by Jean Hersey. It's a sweet, peaceful book about her daily life and thoughts, the things she saw each day and the seasonal routines she and her husband had.

I read the introduction and found something I wanted to share with you. (Partially because I can't seem to think of anything creative enough on my own right now, but also just because I enjoyed the passage. Maybe you will too?)

A new year is a gift, a small piece of infinity, to do with as we will. Things happen. We grow (we hope), and we learn willy nilly. Life moves around us, life moves through us to others, and the year gradually accepts its pattern. We give, we take, we resist, we flow. Our reachings, acceptances, rejections, our hesitancies, courage, fears, and our loves, all these form the shape of the year for each of us, as individuals, as part of a family, as a member of a community.

No two years are ever alike, no two Januarys. Every snowflake differs from the next one, no daffodil in the meadow is absolutely identical with its neighboring daffodil, and no two birds sing the same song.

Each year we think about different things, have different projects, goals and challenges...

Have you thought about this year? Have you wondered what it will bring? Do you have new goals or projects planned? Some people are saying this is THE year-the end. The last year. Some people think Jesus is coming this year. Are you thinking about that? Ready for it? Do you look at a new year as a gift? Do you wonder whose lives you'll touch this year? Have you thought about what you'll bring to the people in your world? How you'll give to them?

That's all I have today. Ramblings. Please bear with me-I'm hoping to get some sleep soon and find my brain, wherever it landed.