looking into the mirror

I was listening to the radio Tuesday evening, on my way to bible study, when the words to a song jumped out at me. I'm not sure, but I think the song is called, Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man? Have you heard it?

It's an OK song, but that one line?....I have a face I cannot show...that line hit me. I thought about my face and wondered if I ever let you see it. Not the one that stares at me from the mirror. I'm thinking about the face that's behind that one. The one that lives in the hidden places of my heart. Do I ever let her out? And then I started wondering about her. What kind of person is the one I cannot show and why can't I show her? And if I can't show her I'm thinking it's because I don't want to, so shouldn't the words in that song actually be, I have a face I will NOT show?

Having said all that, I have a confession. Did you read the post I wrote on Monday? The one about our desire to adopt a little person? Well, all day Monday I thought about that. Adopting. I hadn't expected my husband to say yes, and I'd never really thought through the whole, incredible, challenging, life changing experience it would be. It was always just this vague "thing" that we'd talked about off and on over the years. Monday some of the realities hit me and I panicked inside. This is going to be hard. This is going to stretch us. This is going to pull me so far out of my comfort zone I don't think I want to do it.

By the time Monday evening rolled around I'd decided, nope. It just ain't gonna happen. I can't do this. It is too hard and too scary. I felt like I'd jumped into an icy lake and the cold shock was overwhelming.

I talked to my husband about it later that evening. I thought it would be easy to bail. I thought he'd most certainly agree with me. I thought he'd say, You're right Jude. We're too old, our house is too small, money is always tight, etc. etc. etc. But no. Instead that man picked me up and threw me into an even icier lake.

"Judy, this is something we need to pursue. I want to see if we can make the difference in the life of even one child."

I was stunned into silence. My lovely little face, the one I show you, completely disappeared. I saw the really ugly one. You know. The one I "cannot" show and the one I don't like to look at. Up until that moment, a lot of my motive for adopting had been me. I need. I want. I miss...

My husband's words pulled the reflective coating off my mirror (Should I maybe say the sugar coating? ) and I don't like the selfish person that hides behind it. I'd been looking at adoption and thinking, in some ways, I want to see if adopting can make a difference in the life of me. That's not my entire motive by a long shot, but that ugly little woman was lurking down there and has now been exposed.

There is more to this than even that. I'm seeing ugly faces popping up all over the place in my heart, and I'm trying to deal with them and trying to lay them at God's feet. I'll write about those another time. This is long enough for now and I have a hungry little person waiting for me in the kitchen.