February 27, 2012

now that i'm gone i'm no longer here

If you're reading this it's because I'm gone. I told Blogger to post it 20 minutes after I croak. Modern technology is amazing, isn't it?

You know what else is amazing? Being free. Now that I'm not chained to my body anymore I don't care who wins this year's election nor do I worry about our stumbling economy.

I don't wish I were prettier, or less random, or could grasp details anymore and

I'm not worried about my family or friends finding the secret blog I have where I vent about them.

I no longer wonder about my short curly hair and what to do with it, nor am I wishing I had better muscle tone.

I'm not embarrassed by what I did in a grocery store bathroom one day or if anyone ever finds out how old I was when I quit sucking my thumb.

Now that I'm gone, I don't wonder who I'd be if we'd had daughters or why we didn't or what my life would've been like if I would've stayed single instead of marrying and raising 4 boys in Indiana.

I no longer worry about how I'll die, or if my husband will be OK without me and I don't wish I'd been a better wife, mother, grandma, sister, or friend. It's too late for that and it's too late to be a better listener.

I don't have to miss my dad anymore or yell at the deer for eating the seed out of the bird feeders.

I no longer lay awake at night wishing I knew how to encourage the people in my life when they're going through hard things, or what to make for dinner because I forgot to soak the beans for the chili.

It's too late to write letters to my big brothers telling them how much they mean to me and I don't even have to worry about the blob of carpet I melted with a heat lamp a couple months ago.

I no longer wrestle with sin, or restless leg syndrome, or being horribly narcissistic.

I am free. There are no longer any tears, or regrets, or longings for things that don't matter. I am home and safe and realizing what a short wild ride being on earth was and how misplaced my focus often was. I see how much time I wasted and how much energy I used on things that
were petty. I am not in pain anymore and I'll never feel weary again. I don't have to wonder what God's first words to me will be when we see each other face to face... I just found out.

(PS. I have no idea what the day will bring, but as of this posting, I am still very much alive and well. This was written not as a joke or to worry my friends. I intended it to be thought provoking. What are we doing with our time and our lives? What are we worrying about that does not matter?...you get the idea. Life is short and our time here will soon be done and a much better eternity waits. That's all I was trying to say. )


  1. Well I hope this is just a morbid kind of Joke..

  2. You just wanted to see if anyone reads your blog...well...here's your proof. I'm glad you're not gone. I would really, really miss you and so would a LOT of people! You won't go until the Lord takes you and you're too chicken to do anything to yourself. That's what I know. What I also know is...

    You're feisty, deep, thought provoking, pensive, passionate, determined, funny, artistic, loving...very loving, kind, tender, a mad woman ;-), sensitive, articulate, beautiful...you are so beautiful...in ALL your ways. Yes, even when we see or hear you talk about your "uglies" we all have them. It makes you real, honest, human and easy for others to identify with you.

    Now go and do what you do and try and ponder on all the ways I just described you...think about them...mull them over...wrestle with them...try to figure out what you think is true and what isn't. Think about what you agree and disagree with. Think about the things that I forgot to mention and the things I should have left out.

    Please know one thing for sure...you are a beautiful amazing Child of The King and I, along with the rest of the world are SO GLAD you're still here...

    1. words can't tell either one of you anonymouses how much your comments meant to me. you completely took me off guard...i have no idea who you are but your words touched me, and blessed me more than i can say...i am overwhelmed and just wanted to thank you...


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