Sometimes I wonder who I am. I know that I am a wife, a mom, a sister-in-law, a teacher, a friend. I'm a sister, a Christian, a mother-in-law, an aunt and a grandma. But lately I've begun wondering if I'm me.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm so busy trying to please people, to fit into the role of the moment, to be the person people expect me to be, that the person I am, the person I want to be, the person that's deep inside is buried under all those roles.
There is another side of me that I doubt anyone sees. I'm not even sure I see her. I just know she's there and I spend a lot of time hiding her, telling her to shut up, sit down, grow up, go away. Am I a hypocrite?
There's a person who would love to wear bright, funky dresses like that girl I wrote about. You know, the one who moved to Key West after her husband died? I long to be brave enough to wear trendy glasses and cut my hair in a short, crazy doo. I wish I could say the crazy things I think without caring whether people think I'm crazy.
There's a girl inside that has wings on her feet. She longs to be wild and free and honest. My son has some little plastic molds he uses when he plays with play dough. He squishes and pushes the dough into the mold to create a dinosaur or a mushroom or whatever. That is how I feel sometimes. I am a blob of pink play dough smooshing myself into a mold because I want to be liked.
On the other hand, maybe I am crazy? I love all those roles in my life and the fact that I am so many people. I love being a grandma, relaxed, knowing God has that baby girl in the palm of His hand and she'll be just fine. I love being a mom, a wife, a mother-in-law and a friend.
Is it possible to be just one person when you are so many? Or is it normal to bounce around being first this person, then that?
Do you know who you are and are you you all the time? Should I even post this? Will I lose your friendship now that you know I'm a schizophrenic?