August 27, 2011

most of my posts are now falling under the category of: miscellaneous random thoughts of a brain on the edge. what does this mean?

Sometimes I wonder who I am. I know that I am a wife, a mom, a sister-in-law, a teacher, a friend. I'm a sister, a Christian, a mother-in-law, an aunt and a grandma. But lately I've begun wondering if I'm me.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm so busy trying to please people, to fit into the role of the moment, to be the person people expect me to be, that the person I am, the person I want to be, the person that's deep inside is buried under all those roles.

There is another side of me that I doubt anyone sees. I'm not even sure I see her. I just know she's there and I spend a lot of time hiding her, telling her to shut up, sit down, grow up, go away. Am I a hypocrite?

There's a person who would love to wear bright, funky dresses like that girl I wrote about. You know, the one who moved to Key West after her husband died? I long to be brave enough to wear trendy glasses and cut my hair in a short, crazy doo. I wish I could say the crazy things I think without caring whether people think I'm crazy.

There's a girl inside that has wings on her feet. She longs to be wild and free and honest. My son has some little plastic molds he uses when he plays with play dough. He squishes and pushes the dough into the mold to create a dinosaur or a mushroom or whatever. That is how I feel sometimes. I am a blob of pink play dough smooshing myself into a mold because I want to be liked.

On the other hand, maybe I am crazy? I love all those roles in my life and the fact that I am so many people. I love being a grandma, relaxed, knowing God has that baby girl in the palm of His hand and she'll be just fine. I love being a mom, a wife, a mother-in-law and a friend.

Is it possible to be just one person when you are so many? Or is it normal to bounce around being first this person, then that?

Do you know who you are and are you you all the time? Should I even post this? Will I lose your friendship now that you know I'm a schizophrenic?

1 comment:

  1. Well, you asked for comments...
    I like the honesty and openness of this post.
    I think we go through seasons. Right now it is easy to loose your self in the season. But you don't have to. Who you 'really' are, emphasizes the season you are in and makes it fun. All you need to do to see a example of this is watch a "I love Lucy' episode. She was a great mother wife and friend. Her quirkiness made her all more lovely. I can't help but to think how much fun your little student would have if you had a crazy dress up day or if he saw that girl with wings on her feet. I remember my mom once had a dress that was black with big giant yellow flowers on it. I loved it. I always told her it was my favorite. She didn't like to wear it much. I know why now but when she did wear it, it was always a sunny day (emotionally).
    On who "ME" is....
    You are the daughter of The King. That would make you a princes. I think we take this role way to lightly. I think we are called to act like our titles dictate. Most royalty does. I don't think they doubt who they are tho. They know that "Prince William" for example is his title but who he is, is what ever he wants to be. Does that make sense? They are not bound by the same restrictions we as commoners are. I think the King is really sad because He gave us such a wonderful kingdom and license to be what ever we want and we don't take advantage.
    The enemy wants to see us get confused on who we are because that gets us further away from the King. Divide and Conquer. Read C.S. Lewis the ScrewTape Letters.
    Your not a hypocrite, you are very honest with yourself. Many people don't ask these questions of themselves.
    Have you ever thought that maybe there are people out there who can relate to a women with fun hair do's and bright dresses, that know one is talking to? Maybe you are the one they are praying for to come into their life.

    "Is it possible to be just one person when you are so many? Or is it normal to bounce around being first this person, then that?" I think that is like trying to name one drop of water in the ocean and trying to keep track of it. Who you are is fluid and it is all those things you want to be. When God made us he didn't use just primary colors and require us to keep the separate. He has a massive pallet and loves to have us mix up all the colors.
    I know who I am.. I don't always like it. But I know I can change it when I ever I want.
    I am glad you posted this and if you loose any friends they were not really good friends to begin with. :)
    Thats all I got to say on the matter..


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